Surgery

I'm having surgery tomorrow. Well, today, actually. I'm up late trying to keep my mind off of it and also so I can sleep late and minimize the amount of time that I am awake and not allowed to eat anything. (I can't eat past midnight, but I don't have to be at the surgery center until 1PM. I'm going to be cranky.)

It's a minor surgery: an arthroscopic synovectomy. There has been something irritating my elbow joint lining, causing some fluid accumulation that restricts my range of motion, so the surgeon will make some small holes in my elbow, insert tools and a camera, and remove the joint lining. This should take an hour or less, and I will go home afterwards. I don't even have to go to the actual hospital; it will be done in the ambulatory surgery center, which is new and shiny and clean-looking. My doctor has assured me that this most likely isn't anything bad, and other people have assured me that he is an excellent surgeon. My parents and Tay will be in the waiting room the whole time.

And yet I'm scared. I've never had surgery or been under anesthesia. I have reasoned through this so many times in my head, telling myself that this is minor, routine, and being done by very capable people. But deep down I know that there is some tiny, itty-bitty, miniscule chance that things could go badly. And that's what I end up focusing on. The part I have the most trouble with is that I have to completely relinquish control of my body and well-being. I do not enjoy handing over the reins.

So that's why I'm blogging at 1:30 on a Friday morning... to kill time, to sort through my thoughts, and to capture them as they occur, so that perhaps someday when a frightened patient turns to me, I can reassure him or her that I, too, was scared before my first surgery; that I understand exactly what he or she is feeling; and that everything will be alright.