As you may have guessed, school is back in full swing and I have until now been unsuccessful in my attempts to steal some time for an update. But I have been thinking a lot lately about the whole experience of medical school and the way that the same feelings seem to emerge over and over in me, just directed at different academic topics. It's like going in circles, and it goes something like this:
You start a new class, determined to stay on top of your work. "If, each evening, I study what I've learned each day," you reason, "each new lesson will make sense and will be incorporated into an ever-growing body of knowledge. After going over today's lesson, I will pre-read for tomorrow's classes, and I'll use the weekends to review and solidify the information covered that week. Then, during the study days before the exam, I will study the small details that I may not already know, do practice exam questions, and be all set."
And then classes start and one of two things happens: you get lulled into a false sense of security because the pace doesn't seem that fast right at the beginning (and anyway, you always have the weekend to catch up if you don't fully review today's lectures!) and/or you use that early time, when there is no stress of a looming exam, to catch up on the rest of life (calling friends, answering emails, making doctor appointments, picking out bridesmaid dresses). Then, suddenly - WHAM! A familiar feeling creeps into the pit of your stomach as you eye the calendar and the mere two or three weeks that stand between you and your next-scheduled nemesis (exam), and contemplate the absurdly large pile of notes detailing the information from hours of lectures delivered at breakneck speed that need to be fully digested in that brief time.
Then, in the last week or two before the exam, there will be a few days when you are exceedingly focused and efficient, impressing yourself with your ability to recall minutiae from earlier in the course and just generally covering a lot of information during each study session. "I can do this!" you think. "If I just keep working like this, I will do well on the exam!" Then you will either hear another classmate discussing something he or she has studied that you still know nothing about; or you will read an email from a classmate that contains some question about the subject matter, the answer to which you cannot even fathom; or suddenly you will locate notes from several lectures that you completely forgot existed and that also need to be mastered. Your worldview will spiral downward as you realize, "Oh, my God, I am so behind. There is NO WAY I will ever be prepared for this exam! I am such a terrible student!"
But you must continue studying as hard as possible. And you do, vowing to yourself that next time, next time, you will keep up with the information as it is presented and not let this happen again!
Here's the thing, though: Usually the exam ends up going pretty well. You realize that it is virtually impossible to stay on top of this much information, and that you will never ever know it all. So yes, maybe your classmate knew something that you didn't, but you may know six things that she doesn't. And your score on the tests proves that you must have done something right. But as long as your type-A personality persists (in other words, forever), you will want to do better and to feel in control of your studies. So you will make new promises to yourself at the start of each class, and start the cycle over again.
I often feel as if I'm going in circles, failing over and over again to meet my personal goals of managing my workload and staying fully abreast of my classes. The other day, though, my gaze fell from the stack of pharmacology notes that I needed to learn to the stack of microbiology flashcards that I mastered (albeit in what felt like a last-minute frenzy) last month, and I realized, I'm going through the same thing, but I know more medicine now that I did last time. Perhaps they are not circles through which I travel, retreading the same ground over and over again, but cycles. The ups and downs may be similar, but with each go round, however arduous, my knowledge grows and I inch closer to the real goal.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Summer is. . .
. . . reading tons of books, both for my humanities project and for pleasure
. . . waking up (eventually) without an alarm
. . . learning to golf, with a lesson and several trips to the driving range each week. I can even play 9 holes now!
. . . traveling to CA, upstate NY, VT, CT, and even just exploring other towns on Long Island for a change of scenery and a yummy dinner
. . . sailing in a few races on the Great South Bay with my dad
. . . lots of wedding planning, including hiring a florist and an officiant and, most importantly, finding my wedding dress!
. . . spending tons of quality time with Mom, Dad, Bijou, and Tay
. . . being a bridesmaid in my cousin Kate's wedding
. . . rearranging the bedroom just for something new and in celebration of the fact that this is the first time in 9 years that I am spending more than one year in the same apartment
. . . seeing more movies in the theater than I have seen in the past year
. . . cleaning the apartment from top to bottom and organizing it (even the hall closet!)
. . . writing in the fancy journal I bought in Iowa while sitting out on the patio in the afternoon sun
. . . over.
Today was the first day of my second year of medical school. I have been juggling a huge mix of emotions, but I am back in action and embracing the coming year with the most determined and optimistic outlook I can muster. Ready, set, go! . . . study microbiology.
. . . waking up (eventually) without an alarm
. . . learning to golf, with a lesson and several trips to the driving range each week. I can even play 9 holes now!
. . . traveling to CA, upstate NY, VT, CT, and even just exploring other towns on Long Island for a change of scenery and a yummy dinner
. . . sailing in a few races on the Great South Bay with my dad
. . . lots of wedding planning, including hiring a florist and an officiant and, most importantly, finding my wedding dress!
. . . spending tons of quality time with Mom, Dad, Bijou, and Tay
. . . being a bridesmaid in my cousin Kate's wedding
. . . rearranging the bedroom just for something new and in celebration of the fact that this is the first time in 9 years that I am spending more than one year in the same apartment
. . . seeing more movies in the theater than I have seen in the past year
. . . cleaning the apartment from top to bottom and organizing it (even the hall closet!)
. . . writing in the fancy journal I bought in Iowa while sitting out on the patio in the afternoon sun
. . . over.
Today was the first day of my second year of medical school. I have been juggling a huge mix of emotions, but I am back in action and embracing the coming year with the most determined and optimistic outlook I can muster. Ready, set, go! . . . study microbiology.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Photos
Just to complicate things a bit, I now have another website to which I'd like to direct your attention. It's my personal site on Shutterfly, where I can share all of my pictures. Use this link to check out the album from my recent cruise and visit to LA. I'll be adding even more pictures shortly. (You will be able to view all of my albums at this site.)
http://beck28pics.shutterfly.com/
Here's a teaser to pique your interest:
http://beck28pics.shutterfly.com/
Here's a teaser to pique your interest:
Monday, June 15, 2009
Done and done!
When I was ten years old, I did a report for school on what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had to research the profession and come in dressed for the role. So did I grab a toy stethoscope and white jacket and tell my fellow fourth-graders about my plans to study the inner workings of the human body? Not even close. I carefully donned my favorite outfit (so as to be both comfortable and chic) and described my future as a writer. Perhaps that is why, two days after taking my last final exam of my first year of medical school, I found myself in Iowa City for the Iowa Summer Writing Festival.
I spent this past weekend in Iowa to participate in a workshop entitled "Writing Out Loud," which focused on techniques to make prose writing sing. I hoped it would help me dive back into writing as I begin work on my MD with Recognition project and sharpen my rusty skills.
The entire experience was incredible. I spent a total of eight hours (split up into two-hour sessions) in the workshop, where I learned techniques to develop the style of my writing and exercises to help get my thoughts on the page and to play around with phrasing. The workshop was small; three other women participated, each of whom brought a different background and writing goals. We each shared a piece of our work and then listened to the others and the instructor describe their experiences reading the work and the images and emotions it evoked in them.
During my free time, I explored the adorable downtown portion of Iowa City. It had an unmistakable college-town feel, with numerous delicious eateries, a variety of boutiques, at least four bookstores, and a touch of a hippie vibe. My hotel was situated right on the Iowa River; the immaculate buildings of the university sat two blocks uphill, beyond which sprawled the cultural section of the city. Much to my liking, it was incredibly clean, safe, and walkable.
It may seem strange that I am focusing more on a writing workshop than on finishing my first year of medical school. In truth, the end of the first semester of school felt far more climactic than the end of the year. The question of "Can I actually do this?" hovered throughout the fall, and the emphatic "Yes!" at the culmination brought with it a visceral exhilaration. Having proven to myself that I deserved my spot in the class, I spent the second semester pushing myself to do as well as possible in challenging classes, and by the end I simply felt exhausted and eager to reacquaint myself with the other topics and areas of life that have been gathering dust.
I was actually quite nervous about coming to Iowa. The University of Iowa has an incredibly strong and well-known writing program, and, while I desperately wanted to pursue some formal instruction in writing, I grappled with whether or not I was a good enough writer to even think of doing such a thing. (Luckily, the summer festival only requires enthusiasm and a credit card; no harrowing application process was involved!) As soon as I stepped into the lecture hall for orientation on the first day, however, I felt incredibly calm and completely at home, and knew that I belonged in this setting.
I love medicine, and I am excited to make it my life's work, but I also love to write. Here, too, is a difference between my first and second semesters: during the former, I quashed all other thoughts and interests because I was terrified that if I let my focus stray from science, I would be unable succeed - or even survive - academically. This spring, however, I began to rearrange my mind a bit and allowed some space for other things, realizing that instead of detracting from my medical studies, they can actually augment them. And so, I can finally shed the notion that my two goals are mutually exclusive and embrace both of them: I want to be a doctor. I also want to be a writer.
As I walked to my Sunday morning workshop, so thrilled to be immersed studying the stringing together of carefully selected words and to be in the company of others who love it as much as I do, I caught sight of my reflection in a row of windows and a thought popped into my head: I have become who I wanted to be.
I spent this past weekend in Iowa to participate in a workshop entitled "Writing Out Loud," which focused on techniques to make prose writing sing. I hoped it would help me dive back into writing as I begin work on my MD with Recognition project and sharpen my rusty skills.
The entire experience was incredible. I spent a total of eight hours (split up into two-hour sessions) in the workshop, where I learned techniques to develop the style of my writing and exercises to help get my thoughts on the page and to play around with phrasing. The workshop was small; three other women participated, each of whom brought a different background and writing goals. We each shared a piece of our work and then listened to the others and the instructor describe their experiences reading the work and the images and emotions it evoked in them.
During my free time, I explored the adorable downtown portion of Iowa City. It had an unmistakable college-town feel, with numerous delicious eateries, a variety of boutiques, at least four bookstores, and a touch of a hippie vibe. My hotel was situated right on the Iowa River; the immaculate buildings of the university sat two blocks uphill, beyond which sprawled the cultural section of the city. Much to my liking, it was incredibly clean, safe, and walkable.
It may seem strange that I am focusing more on a writing workshop than on finishing my first year of medical school. In truth, the end of the first semester of school felt far more climactic than the end of the year. The question of "Can I actually do this?" hovered throughout the fall, and the emphatic "Yes!" at the culmination brought with it a visceral exhilaration. Having proven to myself that I deserved my spot in the class, I spent the second semester pushing myself to do as well as possible in challenging classes, and by the end I simply felt exhausted and eager to reacquaint myself with the other topics and areas of life that have been gathering dust.
I was actually quite nervous about coming to Iowa. The University of Iowa has an incredibly strong and well-known writing program, and, while I desperately wanted to pursue some formal instruction in writing, I grappled with whether or not I was a good enough writer to even think of doing such a thing. (Luckily, the summer festival only requires enthusiasm and a credit card; no harrowing application process was involved!) As soon as I stepped into the lecture hall for orientation on the first day, however, I felt incredibly calm and completely at home, and knew that I belonged in this setting.
I love medicine, and I am excited to make it my life's work, but I also love to write. Here, too, is a difference between my first and second semesters: during the former, I quashed all other thoughts and interests because I was terrified that if I let my focus stray from science, I would be unable succeed - or even survive - academically. This spring, however, I began to rearrange my mind a bit and allowed some space for other things, realizing that instead of detracting from my medical studies, they can actually augment them. And so, I can finally shed the notion that my two goals are mutually exclusive and embrace both of them: I want to be a doctor. I also want to be a writer.
As I walked to my Sunday morning workshop, so thrilled to be immersed studying the stringing together of carefully selected words and to be in the company of others who love it as much as I do, I caught sight of my reflection in a row of windows and a thought popped into my head: I have become who I wanted to be.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
We set a date!
Tay and I spent Memorial Day weekend in Vermont with my parents scouting out wedding locations.
Success!
The big day will be June 26, 2010. We will be married in Vermont at Sugarbush, where my family has skied for about twenty years, and where Tay proposed. The date works well with my school schedule, and it is also our nine years and eleven months anniversary.
Thus, I will soon be starting another website. :)
Success!
The big day will be June 26, 2010. We will be married in Vermont at Sugarbush, where my family has skied for about twenty years, and where Tay proposed. The date works well with my school schedule, and it is also our nine years and eleven months anniversary.
Thus, I will soon be starting another website. :)
Summer Plans - Take II
I have decided that LA is a no-go this summer. Tough decision, but I'm feeling good about it.
In a [rather large] nutshell, here is the situation:
A few months ago, I had met with one of the deans to learn more about Stony Brook's MD with Recognition program, through which students can complete a project (six months' worth of work taking place over the first summer and then during the third and fourth years) in either research or the humanities, for which they receive funding and then recognition at graduation. I left the meeting with the understanding that I could do a humanities project in addition to my LA research project. I designed a project, found two mentors, was accepted, and also was awarded the Berken Fellowship, which is given to one student each year who is pursuing a project in the humanities. (It will be mentioned at graduation and during my fourth year I will present my project at a dinner with the family who funds this award.) This was the project that I had alluded to several posts ago. Yay! But not so fast....
Then I was told that I could not accept two sources of funding, even though they were for completely separate things. My ability to complete both a full-time research job and ample work on the humanities project was also called into question. Frustrated, I initially resolved to forego one source of funding and do a great job on both. Then, as my stress level rose rapidly, I realized that, while I could most likely do both, I would have little time left over for relaxing, spending time with my family and friends, planning the wedding (more to come on that topic but I feel it deserves a post of its own).... After much discussion, weighing of priorities, and meditation, I opted to bow out of the LA program, pursue my humanities project, and use the rest of my time this summer to recuperate from first year.
So what is this project that made me choose lovely suburban South Setauket over glamorous LA? I will be composing a series of short stories inspired by my experiences during medical school. The collection will include one story to represent each of the first two years, and then one for each of the main clinical rotations that I complete during third year. In preparation, I will be attending a writing workshop (Iowa Summer Writing Festival) and reading numerous works written by physicians during their training. I am intimidated, hoping I can actually accomplish what I proposed, but I'm so excited to actively pursue writing, which has long been a love of mine but has consistently taken a backseat to biochemistry and other less creative pursuits.
In a [rather large] nutshell, here is the situation:
A few months ago, I had met with one of the deans to learn more about Stony Brook's MD with Recognition program, through which students can complete a project (six months' worth of work taking place over the first summer and then during the third and fourth years) in either research or the humanities, for which they receive funding and then recognition at graduation. I left the meeting with the understanding that I could do a humanities project in addition to my LA research project. I designed a project, found two mentors, was accepted, and also was awarded the Berken Fellowship, which is given to one student each year who is pursuing a project in the humanities. (It will be mentioned at graduation and during my fourth year I will present my project at a dinner with the family who funds this award.) This was the project that I had alluded to several posts ago. Yay! But not so fast....
Then I was told that I could not accept two sources of funding, even though they were for completely separate things. My ability to complete both a full-time research job and ample work on the humanities project was also called into question. Frustrated, I initially resolved to forego one source of funding and do a great job on both. Then, as my stress level rose rapidly, I realized that, while I could most likely do both, I would have little time left over for relaxing, spending time with my family and friends, planning the wedding (more to come on that topic but I feel it deserves a post of its own).... After much discussion, weighing of priorities, and meditation, I opted to bow out of the LA program, pursue my humanities project, and use the rest of my time this summer to recuperate from first year.
So what is this project that made me choose lovely suburban South Setauket over glamorous LA? I will be composing a series of short stories inspired by my experiences during medical school. The collection will include one story to represent each of the first two years, and then one for each of the main clinical rotations that I complete during third year. In preparation, I will be attending a writing workshop (Iowa Summer Writing Festival) and reading numerous works written by physicians during their training. I am intimidated, hoping I can actually accomplish what I proposed, but I'm so excited to actively pursue writing, which has long been a love of mine but has consistently taken a backseat to biochemistry and other less creative pursuits.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Baby!
The baby arrived!!
At 12:29am on April 26, my patient's husband called me and told me to come quickly; she was about to deliver and they had just remembered to call me! I got ready and left home in record time. Tay dropped me off at the hospital and I raced to my locker to grab my white coat, then hurried to labor & delivery (after having to ask several maintenance workers where it was, since I have spent little time in the actual hospital thus far). I walked into the room as the midwife was encouraging Lisa to push. The contraction subsided, but on the very next one, at 1:01am, she gave birth to her son, Tanner.
The birth was the most amazing thing I have ever seen, and was rendered even more incredible by the fact that I thought I knew what to expect and was still utterly awestruck. The last scene in the movie "The Miracle of Life" has been burned in my mind since I witnessed it, horrified, in 8th-grade health class. But in real life, childbirth is beautiful and magical. As I watched Lisa's husband huddle over her and the new little being who laid on her chest, naked and still attached to her via umbilical cord, I struggled to cement a huge grin on my face in order to keep back my tears.
I watched the cutting of the cord, the delivery of the placenta, and the drops of silver nitrate being placed in little Tanner's eyes. Then, less than a half hour after he had entered this world, his father handed him to me! I am so touched that these folks were kind enough to not only let me accompany them on prenatal visits and welcome me at the birth, but to then hand me their new child, take pictures of me holding him, and send them to me!
At 12:29am on April 26, my patient's husband called me and told me to come quickly; she was about to deliver and they had just remembered to call me! I got ready and left home in record time. Tay dropped me off at the hospital and I raced to my locker to grab my white coat, then hurried to labor & delivery (after having to ask several maintenance workers where it was, since I have spent little time in the actual hospital thus far). I walked into the room as the midwife was encouraging Lisa to push. The contraction subsided, but on the very next one, at 1:01am, she gave birth to her son, Tanner.
The birth was the most amazing thing I have ever seen, and was rendered even more incredible by the fact that I thought I knew what to expect and was still utterly awestruck. The last scene in the movie "The Miracle of Life" has been burned in my mind since I witnessed it, horrified, in 8th-grade health class. But in real life, childbirth is beautiful and magical. As I watched Lisa's husband huddle over her and the new little being who laid on her chest, naked and still attached to her via umbilical cord, I struggled to cement a huge grin on my face in order to keep back my tears.
I watched the cutting of the cord, the delivery of the placenta, and the drops of silver nitrate being placed in little Tanner's eyes. Then, less than a half hour after he had entered this world, his father handed him to me! I am so touched that these folks were kind enough to not only let me accompany them on prenatal visits and welcome me at the birth, but to then hand me their new child, take pictures of me holding him, and send them to me!
The chief of ob-gyn at Stony Brook told me the other day that he has never forgotten his first birth. I can't even begin to count how many times I have already replayed this most sacred of scenes in my mind, as I'm sure I will for years to come.
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