Going in Circles

As you may have guessed, school is back in full swing and I have until now been unsuccessful in my attempts to steal some time for an update. But I have been thinking a lot lately about the whole experience of medical school and the way that the same feelings seem to emerge over and over in me, just directed at different academic topics. It's like going in circles, and it goes something like this:

You start a new class, determined to stay on top of your work. "If, each evening, I study what I've learned each day," you reason, "each new lesson will make sense and will be incorporated into an ever-growing body of knowledge. After going over today's lesson, I will pre-read for tomorrow's classes, and I'll use the weekends to review and solidify the information covered that week. Then, during the study days before the exam, I will study the small details that I may not already know, do practice exam questions, and be all set."

And then classes start and one of two things happens: you get lulled into a false sense of security because the pace doesn't seem that fast right at the beginning (and anyway, you always have the weekend to catch up if you don't fully review today's lectures!) and/or you use that early time, when there is no stress of a looming exam, to catch up on the rest of life (calling friends, answering emails, making doctor appointments, picking out bridesmaid dresses). Then, suddenly - WHAM! A familiar feeling creeps into the pit of your stomach as you eye the calendar and the mere two or three weeks that stand between you and your next-scheduled nemesis (exam), and contemplate the absurdly large pile of notes detailing the information from hours of lectures delivered at breakneck speed that need to be fully digested in that brief time.

Then, in the last week or two before the exam, there will be a few days when you are exceedingly focused and efficient, impressing yourself with your ability to recall minutiae from earlier in the course and just generally covering a lot of information during each study session. "I can do this!" you think. "If I just keep working like this, I will do well on the exam!" Then you will either hear another classmate discussing something he or she has studied that you still know nothing about; or you will read an email from a classmate that contains some question about the subject matter, the answer to which you cannot even fathom; or suddenly you will locate notes from several lectures that you completely forgot existed and that also need to be mastered. Your worldview will spiral downward as you realize, "Oh, my God, I am so behind. There is NO WAY I will ever be prepared for this exam! I am such a terrible student!"

But you must continue studying as hard as possible. And you do, vowing to yourself that next time, next time, you will keep up with the information as it is presented and not let this happen again!

Here's the thing, though: Usually the exam ends up going pretty well. You realize that it is virtually impossible to stay on top of this much information, and that you will never ever know it all. So yes, maybe your classmate knew something that you didn't, but you may know six things that she doesn't. And your score on the tests proves that you must have done something right. But as long as your type-A personality persists (in other words, forever), you will want to do better and to feel in control of your studies. So you will make new promises to yourself at the start of each class, and start the cycle over again.

I often feel as if I'm going in circles, failing over and over again to meet my personal goals of managing my workload and staying fully abreast of my classes. The other day, though, my gaze fell from the stack of pharmacology notes that I needed to learn to the stack of microbiology flashcards that I mastered (albeit in what felt like a last-minute frenzy) last month, and I realized, I'm going through the same thing, but I know more medicine now that I did last time. Perhaps they are not circles through which I travel, retreading the same ground over and over again, but cycles. The ups and downs may be similar, but with each go round, however arduous, my knowledge grows and I inch closer to the real goal.